I've got nothing to blog about, but i know that Kelli is sitting at home bored out of her mind and needs something to take 5 minutes of her time, so i am just going to write about the thing that has been consuming my mind the past couple days and it starts with a big F. Fear! Before I start into that here is a picture of Story. She loves putting on my boots and walking around. Its funny that they go up to her thighs, because they pretty much do that to me too, because my legs are so short. I actually hate this game, because she falls and cries after about 2 seconds and wants help putting them on again and getting up from helping her on the floor is a challenge these days. She is pretty proud of her shoes though, she even turned around for a picture.
So I asked Jerome to film my C-section, because i felt really ripped off that i didn't get to see Story be born and I didn't get to see her for like 5 minutes after she came out, because she wasn't breathing or crying. They whisked her away and a handful of people got to see her before I did and lets face it, I put a lot more work into that baby than they did. Jerome said, "i don't think you can handle watching it, so why should i film it?" So to prove him wrong we watched a C-section on you tube Sunday night. Lets just say he was 100% right and I was bawling half way through saying "i can't do that! how do i get out of it? you do it for me!" Before you judge me for bursting into tears you have to realize they slice through like 6 layers of muscles and skin and fat and stuff. Some of which they use their hands to separate! Yes i've done it before, but now i KNOW what it looks like. Now not only am i afraid of the C-section, i am afraid of being so out of it i wont be able to take care of my new baby and i wont be able to function enough to take care of him once i am home, so that of course puts on the "mom guilt" as Rainey calls it of wanting him to stay in for longer.
Yes i understand i'm completely crazy and that this time will be easier than the last, but i'm pretty nervous. Part of me wants to go in and do it today to get it over with, so i can see that its not so bad and so i can get better sooner, but part of me is glad its not for a few more days.
Going through Story's hospital pictures gives me very mixed feelings. It makes me feel/think A- that one of those is currently inside me and how WEIRD that is! He's a tiny little REAL person. B-that i can do this and i will get to know and love our Gauge and C-crap what have i done, not sure i can do this all over again and D-I'm so glad my mom is coming to take care of us for the first week! but also E- I'm so excited to hold this tiny person and give him lots and lots of love.
I am nervous too to have a baby in February, seems like everyone on the planet is sick right now and its so scary when babies get sick. Its so much more comforting when they are bigger and can tell you that they have boogars. Anyway, these are the things that are consuming my brain on my 1hr drive to and from work every day and as i fall asleep at night. Don't get me wrong, a very large part of me is excited to have Gauge and to meet him and fall in love. I'm excited to get to finally hold him and kiss him and to be his only mommy and to overuse my camera by taking millions of pictures of him when all he did was open his eyes. I just get a little panicked thinking about a giant needle going into my back when i'm not screaming in pain from being in labor. Maybe i'll get lucky and go into labor that morning. :) I'm crazy i know, but i'm terrified of needles! Sorry if i've bored most of you to tears or have convinced anyone that i'm ridiculous or crazy. Just putting my thoughts out there.
6 comments:
Me, bored? Never. I never stop cleaning this house! I totally understand how you feel and it is true that labor pain makes just about anything bearable from huge needles to larhe incisions. But remember you have a zillion people to help take care of you, story, and gauge and its not a bad mom of you to let them. And I read your post with felix sitting next to me being so chill and smiling at me whenever I turn to him and was just so excited for you to get to have a baby again.
I'm sorry its so traumatic for you, I kinda know the feeling of not really knowing what is going to happen even tho we did it before it was all so sudden we didn't really know what are bodies were going through. Just take a breath and count to ten and think you have to do so might as well just relax and say a prayer for comfort. That's what helped me when we went in with Axel so unexpectedly, it really did put me at ease, even the epidural was comforting because it worked and I knew with out it I was going to feel the pain that I was not ready for.
Sometimes not knowing is better tho. I remember after we found out we were pregnant with Axel I got a magazine and it had a section on the trimesters and then delivery, and when I saw the delivery I completely panicked, I said "I can't do that, I can't!" and started crying. That was the only picture I ever saw before going through it myself.
You are going to do great Kass! I have a feeling this time will be easier for you seeing as you wont be exhausted from trying to push him out far hours and hours. I've never had a c-section before so I don't know what it's like. I do know that were extremely excited for you guys and can't wait to meet him! Only 13 more days! Crazy.
I get it. I don't do so well with anticipation for that kind of stuff. But after seeing Hilary after her 2nd C-section like it was nothing I don't think it will be that bad. And think of all the people you'll have praying for you. He can't ignore ALL those voices right?
You'll do fine, Kass. I have to say...I remember those cold sweats...those feelings of, "I can't do this..." at the most inopportune times, like when you're supposed to be getting a second of sleep.
What it comes down to, is you will totally do it. You'll be out of it, you'll hold your gorgeous baby boy, you'll heal fantastically, and your mom will be at your place to help when you need her most. And Gauge'll be adorable. And Story will love him/want to see if he can do dangerous tricks, so you'll have to really watch her for a while. And you'll always be plagued with the Mommy guilt, cause that's just the way most of us are wired. But look how great Story has turned out...so you know that you've got a great handle on stuff. I'm excited for you...for the first little while, having two takes a while to get used to...and then it's all good. Everything will go accordingly. :)
Uh-oh you might jinx yourself by wanting gauge to stay in a little while longer. Maybe now he will come early.:)
I'm super scared as well, i couldn't walk for a straight week after i had Ashdon so i still haven't quite figured out how i'm going to take care of 2 needy children. Thank goodness for mom's!
Your going to do great! Don't worry. I'm so excited for you guys and can't wait to see the little guy!
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